II. Vagabonds
We are the desperate
Who do not care,
The hungry
Who have nowhere
To eat,
No place to sleep,
The tearless
Who cannot
Weep.—Langston Hughes
Eighteen
It was over.
Maybe.
For two days now, Sawyer wondered if that was true. No one answered his questions. Not about the island. Not about Alex. And most of all, not about Kate. He asked for Jack, but the doctor didn’t come to see him. Sawyer felt like a prisoner in his room. He was allowed to walk about, but never to leave. It was beginning to give him cabin fever.
On the morning of his third day back from the island, Sawyer sat in bed, his attention on the white wall in front of him. The machines made strange noises indicating to him that he was fine. Or was he?
His hospital door opened. Jack walked in with an unsure smile on his face.
“I’ve got to hand it you, Sawyer,” he said. “You did it.”
“Where is she?” Sawyer asked, his gaze still on the white wall.
“Kate’s under observation right now. It’s going to take some time before we can tell her about the operation.”
“How much time?”
Jack lowered his head. “Kate’s responding to us. Moving her hands and legs, blinking, but—”
Sawyer finally looked at him. “But, what?”
“She’s not talking,” Jack said.
“Of course, she ain’t talking. Look at what you did to her. To us. She’s pissed as hell.”
“It’s more than that.” Jack put his hands on his hips as he inhaled. “We think she’s become mute.”
Sawyer narrowed his eyes. “What did you say?”
“Mute, Sawyer. She’s lost her ability to speak, or maybe she’s choosing not to, but it’s something—”
Sawyer jumped out of bed. “She’ll talk. I’ll make her talk.”
Jack followed as Sawyer wandered down the hall.
“Don’t do this, Sawyer,” Jack said.
“Kate! Where are you? Answer me!” Sawyer barged through all the doors. He saw a male orderly approach him. “You gonna take me out again, son?”
Jack motioned for the orderly to step back. “It’s okay. I got it.”
The orderly obeyed and moved out of Sawyer’s way. Sawyer resumed his search for Kate until he finally stumbled upon a door at the end of the corridor. He paused in the doorway.
“She may not be ready to see you,” Jack said to him.
But, Sawyer was ready to see her.
He stepped into the room. A stream of light came in through the blinds, colliding with the dark-haired woman sitting in a chair in the corner.
“Kate,” he said. “It’s me, Sawyer.”
She didn’t move. Her arms were folded on her lap. Her body was covered with a thick white cotton robe. When Sawyer came around to look at her, her face was turned away as she concentrated on the clouds outside her window.
“Hey.” Sawyer knelt down to her. “Say something.”
Kate looked at him. He saw confusion on her face, then it quickly evolved into panic, then fear. She threw her hands at him.
“What are you doing?” Sawyer held up his arms, shielding himself. “It’s me! Kate!”
Two orderlies rushed in and subdued Kate, wrapping their arms around her as she struggled to free herself.
“Hey!” Sawyer pushed an orderly away from her. “Don’t touch her!”
The orderly pushed him back.
Sawyer threw a punch at him. “Don’t touch me either.”
“Sawyer, stop!” Jack entered the room.
Sawyer took in a deep breath and watched the orderly escort Kate into her bed. She complied and got under the covers. She refused to look at Sawyer. He felt something constrict inside his chest.
“Let her get some rest,” Jack said.
Sawyer looked one more time at Kate, but her head was still turned as she searched for another cloud in the sky.
**
Sawyer dressed in street clothes: a pair of loose jeans and a black T-shirt, and met with Jack in his office.
The two men suddenly felt awkward at their reunion.
Things were different. Really different.
“Whenever you’re ready, Sawyer, we’d like to do a follow-up session,” Jack said, breaking the ice. “We’ll arrange for you to speak to a psychologist after we get the results back from your brain scan.”
“I don’t need no shrink,” Sawyer said.
“We’ve been through a traumatic event. It’s good to talk to someone. I’m going to one myself.”
“Well, yeah, that’s you.” Sawyer fidgeted in his chair. “I ain’t got no problems.”
“Before the island, you were suicidal,” Jack said. “I consider that a big problem.”
Sawyer cast him a dark look. “Don’t talk to me like you know me, Jack. As far as I know, we’re still strangers on a plane.”
Jack shared his expression. He bent down and lifted up a plastic box, placing it in front of Sawyer.
“You might want to take that back,” he said.
Sawyer didn’t move as Jack left him alone in the room. He put a hand on top of the box and unsnapped the latch. He opened it and realized the items inside were from that night. The night he drove into the tree drunk out of his mind. He pulled out a tattered, bloody T-shirt; a pair of jeans; a pack of cigarettes; then finally he pulled out his wallet. He instantly opened it. There were some dollar bills and business cards, and tucked behind his old receipts was a neatly folded piece of paper.
His hands began to tremble as he opened the letter. The letter that would not let him forget.
**
Sawyer felt them start to slip away.
Michael and Walt. Claire and Aaron. Locke. Charlie. Hurley. Jin and Sun.
To him, they were just names when in actually, they were people he had met and lived with for almost five months. They had gone through an experience together, survived a plane crash, protected each other, cared for each other.
They were slipping away because none of it had been real.
Sawyer feared that sooner or later, Kate would start to slip away too.
**
“How are you doing, James?” The nurse with the kind blue eyes walked into his room with clean towels. “Feel like going out for a walk in the garden?”
Sawyer smiled. “That sounds marvelous, Val.”
The nurse smoothed down her short blond hair and blushed. “Honey, don’t tempt me with that smile. I’m a married woman, and ten years older than you.”
“That hasn’t stopped me before,” Sawyer said.
She slapped his arm playfully. “I’ll go check you out.”
A few minutes later, Sawyer was in the garden with Val on his arm. He listened as Val spoke about her husband. He did this often when Val took him out for an afternoon stroll. One day it would be about how George forgot to take out the trash, or how George plugged up the toilet, or how George was late for dinner. The crazy thing was that she said all of this with a sincerity that only lovers knew about.
“Be honest with me, Val,” Sawyer said. “You’re planning on leaving George for me, ain’t cha?”
Val shook her head. “You are terrible.”
Sawyer grinned. “Why, thank you.”
She touched his arm. “As much as I like that idea, James, I don’t think it would work out.”
“Why not?”
“Because you wouldn’t leave with me,” she said.
Sawyer lost his smile as his mind filled with Kate. Her diagnose hadn’t changed since they woke up from their comas. She still wasn’t speaking and she still refused to see him.
“Hey!” Val’s voice interrupted Sawyer’s thoughts. He watched a young boy run around the garden. In his hands he clutched a teddy bear. Another child—a girl—ran after the boy, trying to grab the stuffed animal from him. Sawyer figured they were brother and sister. Val went over to the two bickering siblings to end their fight.
Sawyer turned his head just in time to see Kate step out from behind a tree. She was dressed in her white robe. Her hair was down, swaying with the breeze. Her gaze fell upon the brother and sister fighting over the teddy bear in the middle of the garden. She appeared to be alone. Sawyer took the opportunity to approach her. Once he was behind her, he grabbed her, spinning her around. Her eyes began wide with fear again.
“I ain’t gonna hurt you, Freckles,” he said, moving them behind the tree.
Something registered in her eyes.
“Just say that you remember me,” Sawyer said, his voice on the verge of desperation. “Say that you remember me like I remember you.”
The fear crept back into her face. She started to recoil.
“No…no…” Sawyer clutched her like the little boy who had fought so hard for his bear. “Kate, say something, come on.”
She shook her head and tried to pull away from him. He pressed his lips on hers, but still she resisted. She finally maneuvered out of his hold and stepped back, stunned at his actions. She touched her mouth, and still she would not speak.
“Kate…”
But, she turned and fled.
“James?” Val walked up to him. “What are you doing?”
Sawyer watched Kate return to her nurse before doing the same thing himself.
**
Sawyer knocked once on Jack’s door before the doctor let him in.
“What are you doing here?” Jack asked.
“Don’t we all want to know that?” Sawyer brushed past him and to the center of the office. “I got some questions for you, doc.”
Jack put his hands in his pockets. “Go ahead.”
“How long am I gonna be here? In this hospital?”
“For as long as we need to keep you under observation.”
“And Kate? What happens to her after she’s okay to go?”
Jack frowned. “You mean, will she go to jail?”
“Well, will she?”
“In her condition, it’s highly unlikely she will be put on trial,” Jack said. “I don’t think we’re going to discharge her for a long time. Not unless she starts talking again.”
“So, you think her going mute was a side effect of the experiment? It wasn’t because of her car accident?”
“Possibly, but we’re not sure yet.”
Sawyer scowled. “That’s pretty much the story around here, ain’t it?”
Jack sighed. “Anymore questions?”
“Yeah,” he said. “When can I see start seeing that shrink?”
Nineteen
Sawyer spent his time pacing his hospital room. When Val wasn’t there, he counted the tiles on the floor. After finding out there were seventy-two, he moved his attention to the thread woven into his blanket. He lost count after 256 and tossed the blanket aside.
Nothing worked. All he could think about was Kate.
A long time ago, he would have walked right out of this place. Fuck procedure. Fuck protocol. But, the more he thought about leaving Kate behind, the more he resisted the urge to leave the hospital. Even though her memories were lost, he’d be more lost without her.
“Can I come in?” Val peeked her head inside his room before entering. “How are you doing today?”
“Can’t complain,” Sawyer said.
“Well, I’m here to take you down to see Dr. Maxwell.” The nurse started to make Sawyer’s bed, fluffing his pillows and straightening his blanket. “I think you’re doing the right thing, James. Talking to someone is always the first step.”
“The first step to what?”
Val paused in her work. “Good question.”
After she finished making his bed, Val led Sawyer to another level in the building.
She stopped in front of an office door. “Here we are.” When she noticed Sawyer’s hesitation, she opened the door for him. “Don’t be shy. It’s not in your nature.”
He smiled. “You already know me so well.”
Val gave him a little push and promised to return in an hour after his session was over. Then, Sawyer was alone. He rolled his shoulders and walked into the psychologist’s office.
The woman behind the desk stood up at his appearance. “Hello, James.”
Sawyer’s eyes widened. “Libby?”
The blonde gave him a small smile. “It is all right if I call you James, isn’t it?”
He almost wanted to turn and run in the other direction, but Libby walked around her desk. In her hands, she held a ballpoint pen. Judging by the way she was rolling it around between her fingers, it seemed like she was just as nervous as he was.
“So,” Sawyer said, “what were you?”
“Pardon?”
“What were you?” he said. “A trigger? Someone already in a coma?”
“Neither. I was sent in as a guide. Jack must have mentioned to you that some of the professional staff were put into the program also,” Libby said.
“Yeah, just didn’t expect you to be one.”
“Sit down.” She waited until he did before returning to her own chair. “I joined the group around the time Jack did. Initially I was brought in to do follow-up sessions. Like what we’re doing today. But, after the third phase, we were beginning to see less progress as more patients began to sink deeper and deeper into their comas. Then, one day, I wasn’t doing anymore follow-up sessions. No one was waking up anymore. They approached me to become a guide during the preparation of the fourth phase and I agreed.”
“You let them put you on the island for no reason? It’s not like you were going in there to pull someone out,” Sawyer said.
“No, but while I was there, I tried,” she said. “I was involved with the virtual reality as much as you all were, but I wasn’t a trigger or a patient, so I knew my place wasn’t to try to wake someone up. I was merely there to assist.”
Sawyer rubbed his head. “Well, ain’t that something.”
“But, you’re back now.” Libby leaned back in her seat, satisfied. “In fact, your entire group is, which is more like a miracle than anything else.”
“What about Alex and Rousseau?” Sawyer asked. “The French lady and her kid?”
“I can’t reveal that information.”
Sawyer lowered his head. A part of him knowing they had returned from the island like that marshal. Dead.
“Tell me, James,” Libby said, “what happened after everyone died on the island? To you and Kate?”
It was such a simple question, but the answer was hardly close to being that easy.
So, Sawyer told her as much as he could. About Alex and the key and the door in the floor. The monster. The Others. Rousseau.
He left out the swim in the waterfall, the Patsy Cline dance, and the reunion under a rainy sky.
“Why do you think you were able to wake up?” Libby asked.
Sawyer could still taste Kate’s lips on his as she pleaded with him to open his eyes. To return to this world with her.
“Why do you think you woke up?” he asked her instead.
Libby’s mouth twitched as psychologist and patient switched positions. She folded her hands on top of her desk. “Well, my job was to help guide, and since the group was leaving, I no longer had anyone to guide.”
“Should have waited for me and Kate. I mean, if you were really doing your job, you kind of sucked at it.”
“Well, we all have our opinions.” She kept her mouth in a straight line. “Do you want to talk about the second time you entered the island?”
“What about it?
“You heard about Claire and Walt. Why do you think your second trip was more successful than theirs?”
Sawyer knew why. He had returned to fight for Kate, to bring her back with him. Even if he didn’t realize that fact on the island, deep inside him he knew that was the truth.
“When you want something to happen bad enough,” he said, “it will happen.”
Libby removed a folder from a desk drawer. Sawyer knew what her next topic was going to be about.
“Like the night of your car crash?” she asked.
Sawyer sank into his seat. He’d rather talk about running away from the monster on the island than his apparent suicide attempt.
“Seens as how I’m still here, it must mean I didn’t want to die bad enough,” he said dryly.
“Good point.” But, Libby kept his file open. “You have a pretty long rap sheet. Aggravated assault. Disorderly conduct. Fraud. Resisting arrest—”
“I know. I was there.”
“Do you want to know why you were chosen for this experiment, James?” She held up his list of crimes. “This is why. We took someone with your past because we wanted to see for ourselves if someone like you wanted to survive. If you had a will to live. And I’m not talking about the survival of the fittest. I’m talking about the will to live so you could see another day because it was actually worth it. And you know what? You made it worth it.”
Sawyer found it hard to swallow the lump his throat. “So, what? You think you doctors fixed me up all good? Made a bad guy into some sort of hero?”
“Oh, you’re no hero, Sawyer.” She said his alias as though it had left a bitter aftertaste on her tongue, as if she was remembering their time on the island. “We don’t think we fixed you, and that was never our intention, but we do believe we caused something in your head to shift gears. Maybe you were stuck in reversal for so long that we were able to put you into drive.”
“Great, now I’m a car,” Sawyer said under his breath.
“Metaphors aside, I think you know what I’m saying.” Libby looked into his face. “You did something that no one here had ever done. You woke up on your own without a trigger, and then you returned to the program to bring someone else out, and you came back together.” She tapped the side of her head. “You’re a lot stronger up here than you give yourself credit for.”
Again, Sawyer felt another lump form in his throat.
“I think we should end our session here today.” Libby rose from her chair and went to open the door for him. “I look forward to spending more time with you.”
Sawyer turned to her before leaving her office. “Have you heard anything about Kate?”
She frowned. “Nothing’s changed.”
He nodded and left Libby.
**
All the patients in the hospital had to be in bed by a
specific time:
“Time for bed, James,” she said as though she was coming in to tuck him into bed.
He stood in place.
She touched his back. “Are you feeling well?”
He bowed his head. “Ever since I came back from my session with the psychologist, I’ve been thinking a lot. About everything.”
“Oh, honey, the whole point of seeing Dr. Maxwell is to get better,” Val said, rubbing a sympathetic hand down his back. “You’ll see. The next time, you won’t feel like this.”
He looked at her. “You think so?”
“You have my word.” She pulled him into a hug. “Now, when I come get you for breakfast, I want that flirty devil with blue eyes back, you got that?”
Sawyer grinned, returning her embrace. “What would I do without you, Val?”
She patted his cheek and started for the door. “Good night.”
He slipped under his blanket as she turned off his light and left the room. The door clicked to lock itself after her. He waited a minute before getting right back out of bed. He opened his right hand and inside his palm were a set of keys.
“What would I do without you, Val?”
His hand closed over the keys he had swiped from Val’s pockets, and he went to find Kate.
Twenty
The floor was cold under Sawyer’s bare feet as he snuck down the darkened hallways of the hospital. After hours usually met a couple of security guards and few of those orderlies who probably wouldn’t mind jabbing another needle into his arm. And all he had to protect himself were his fists.
He heard the sound of voices coming in his direction. He hid behind a corner and watched two guards disappear down the hall. Sawyer continued until he found a deserted nurse’s station. He flipped through a binder and found names to match them with their room numbers. He didn’t find a Kate, but he found a Katherine Austen.
“This better be you, Freckles,” he said.
Sawyer made his way to room 118 and took out Val’s keys. He tried the first key. Nothing. A second key. Again, it was the wrong one. He was beginning to hate doors and keys. Caused him nothing but frustration.
He suddenly lifted his head when he heard more voices nearby. He fumbled through the set of keys, silently hoping that one of them would turn. Then, click—
Sawyer hurried into Kate’s room just as another pair of guards strolled past him. He let out a sigh of relief before turning to look at Kate. She was asleep in her bed. This wasn’t the first time he watched her sleep, but it was the first time he really watched her sleep. Now, it was real. Now, it meant something.
His finger curled around a dark strand of her hair as it rested on her shoulder. Strands of hair he had buried his face in. How could these people tell him none of that had happened? That it was all part of a program?
He moved his hand to her neck, touching her chin. He wanted to lean over her and kiss her. Kiss her like she had kissed him in their last moment on the island.
He jumped back when Kate’s hand flew up and grabbed his. She held him there.
“Hey, it’s me,” he whispered.
But, to Kate, “me” didn’t mean a thing.
She opened her mouth to scream, but Sawyer clamped his other hand around her mouth. She sat up and struggled out of his hold. He wrapped his arms around her and looked into her eyes.
“It’s me. It’s me, Freckles. Don’t you remember me?”
She relaxed.
“You do, don’t you?” He smiled a little. “You remember everything like I do. The island. Everything.”
She looked at his hand, and he quickly removed it from her mouth.
“Sorry. Didn’t want to do that, but I didn’t want to get caught either.” He glanced at the hand she was still holding. “You wanna let go of me, too?”
It took her a moment to realize she still had her hand over his. When she let go, Sawyer dropped his hands to his side.
“I know this mute thing is all an act. Jack told me himself. As long as you ain’t talking, you ain’t going nowhere.” He tilted his head. “I’ll keep your secret, Freckles. It’s not the first time. But, hell, you gotta give me something. Say something to me. Tell me to go to hell. Anything.”
She sat with a stoic face. She was listening, but she still remained silent.
Sawyer hung his head low. “Give me a break, darling. As much as I love playing this game, it’s getting frustrating.”
He felt her hand on his chin. It gently lifted his head back up to look at her. They still had this secret language between their eyes. It was then Sawyer realized that maybe words weren’t necessary after all.
Just then, Kate’s door blew open. The light switched on and three burly orderlies grabbed Sawyer by his arms, dragging him away from Kate’s bed.
He saw Jack and Val enter the room. Val gave him a sorrowful look as if the nurse regretted reported her set of missing keys.
“What are you gonna do, doc?” Sawyer asked Jack.
“This isn’t going to help anyone,” Jack said.
An orderly twisted Sawyer’s hands behind his back and stuck them into a pair of plastic cuffs.
Sawyer turned to look at Kate. “You just gonna sit there and let them take me away like this? Say something, dammit!”
Val hurried to the distraught patient and wrapped her arm around Kate, shielding Kate from Sawyer’s outbursts.
“Kate!” Sawyer yelled her name as he was taken out of her room, but he received no response.
**
Sawyer’s face came in contact with the padded room. He grunted as he was let out of his restraints. He rubbed his wrists and gave the orderly the look of death.
“I wish I didn’t have to do this to you.”
Sawyer moved his deadly look to Jack. “Yeah, sure.”
“You broke a rule,” Jack said as though he was speaking to a child. “Forty-eight hours in confinement.”
“Ain’t got a dictionary for me to copy pages out of, sir?”
Jack didn’t crack a smile. “Forty-eight hours.” With that, he turned and left with this staff.
Sawyer rubbed his eyes in the orange-lit room. He paced for awhile before settling in a corner of the room. He raised his knees and placed his arms and head on top of them. Sleep came afterwards.
**
Sawyer woke up in a dream world. He knew it was a dream because he was back on the island and because Kate was talking to him.
“I miss it here.” She was topless and laying on top of his chest. They were on the beach with nothing but a fire and a blanket. “Don’t you miss it here, Sawyer?”
He looked into the jungle behind them and saw the lights from the torches. “I think we should get out of here, Freckles.”
“Sawyer?” Kate looked up at him, confused.
He was on his feet now. In his hand, he held a gun. And he was pointing it right at Kate.
Sawyer woke up a second time. He was in the padded room on his side in the corner. Still groggy, he sat up as the door opened. A new nurse greeted him. He didn’t blame Val for not wanting to see him anymore.
The nurse was young and a redhead. Her movements were timid, and she kept her distance from Sawyer as she set down his breakfast.
Sawyer moved to the food, and the nurse practically jumped to the roof. She wasn’t just shy; she was just scared as hell of Sawyer. He picked up the plastic utensils and began to dig into his cold pancakes.
The nurse watched him. Maybe out of curiosity. Rumors of Sawyer breaking into Kate’s room were probably circulating around the hospital. The dangerous criminal that had to be locked up. He ate his food, not letting the label bother him.
“I have a message from Val,” the redhead said softly.
Sawyer looked up at her with a raised brow. “Yeah?”
“She’ll be here later to take you out for your walk in the garden,” she said.
“I thought I was stuck here.”
“She worked something out.”
Sawyer had to stop himself from smiling. Maybe Val didn’t hate his guts as much as he thought she did.
“I’m gonna go now.” The nurse opened the door.
“Hey,” he said to her before she could leave. “What’s your name?”
The nurse hesitated before answering him. “Wendy.”
“Thanks for the message, Red,” he said.
She touched her hair and walked out of the room.
**
“This ain’t fair, you know.” Sawyer glanced over his shoulder at the two orderlies as they followed him and Val around the garden.
“You deserve it,” Val said. “Besides, you should be more thankful that at least you’re getting some fresh air.”
“I am,” he said with a smile. “And I owe it all to you.”
“It’s going to take more than that smile for me to forgive you, James.”
“I’ll work on it then.”
They sat down on a bench. In front of them was a small pond. Sawyer thought about the waterfall on the island and the nights he had spent there with Kate. It seemed like a lifetime ago.
“Can I speak to you as a friend, James?” Val asked.
“I’m your friend?”
“To Val, yes, but not to Val the nurse,” she said.
Sawyer chuckled. “By all means then friend, what do you got to say?”
“I think you should let it go. The island, I mean. It wasn’t real. It was just there to wake you up and bring you back,” Val said. “You should try to focus on this life. That’s what we’re here for, James. We want you to feel better.”
Sawyer knew the nurse’s words were coming from a good place, but he didn’t want to hear anymore. She couldn’t possibly understand anything about the island. Not about the relationships he had made, or the monsters he had faced, or the things he had learned from others and from himself.
“If someone told you to let dear old George go, would you?” he said.
Val didn’t reply.
“See? It ain’t that easy.” Sawyer turned his head to Val’s bodyguards. “It looks like Abbot and Costello are getting tired waiting for us.”
They rose from the bench and walked up the pathway.
Twenty-one
Day two in the padded room wasn’t much different than day one for Sawyer.
Red came to deliver breakfast and lunch. She seemed a little more relaxed around him. When dinner came, she spoke to him first.
“Can I ask you something?” she said.
“You just did.”
She blushed. “I mean, you know, a real question.”
He shrugged. “Go ahead.”
“What was it like on the island?”
If anyone else had asked Sawyer that question, he would have easily dismissed it, but something in Red’s face told him she was serious. She really wanted to know about his experience.
“You ever have that kind of dream where you don’t want to wake up from it?” he said. When Red nodded, he continued. “It’s like you know it’s a dream, but you still can’t control what’s going to happen. Sooner or later, that dream begins to feel real, and then, it becomes real. As real as the hair on your head and this runny applesauce on this plate.” He lowered his head with a chuckle. “You probably think I’m crazy now, don’t cha?”
“No, I don’t think you’re crazy.”
He looked back up at her.
“I think you’re kind of brave actually,” she said.
Sawyer narrowed his eyes. “You don’t know me.”
Fear flickered on Red’s face like the first day she had met him. She swallowed and stepped towards the door. She probably wished she could take back her words now. Which was what Sawyer wanted her to do anyway.
He pushed aside his half-eaten dinner. “I lost my appetite.”
Red gathered his meal and left his room without a parting word.
**
Sawyer fell asleep easily that night. Knowing he would be out of this room in the morning gave him enough reason to get to sleep quickly.
During the night, he awoke to the sound of someone whispering his name.
“Sawyer…”
He saw the opened door and he stepped out of the padded room. No one came to restrain him. In fact, it looked like he was completely alone in the hospital. He walked down the dark corridor until he was in front of the window that showed off the patients that were still inside the virtual reality, still on the island. He scanned the beds and stopped when he saw a familiar face. It was his own. What was he still doing strapped to a bed when he was standing right here?
“Sawyer…”
The whisper came from right behind him. He turned to find an empty hallway. He followed the voice and realized it was leading him to Kate’s room. He found Kate in her bed, but she wasn’t sleeping. She was connected to the machines as though she was still in her coma. Her eyes suddenly opened and she moved her mouth.
“Sawyer,” she whispered.
He blinked. When he looked back at the bed, Kate was gone; she had been replaced by Alex. The girl from the island raised her hand and dropped something inside his palm.
Sawyer stared down at the key in his hand. He wondered what it was for.
“You’ve already been there,” Alex answered for him.
“Where?” he asked.
And right before his eyes, the hospital room vanished and in a rapid speed, he saw the beach, the caves, the jungle, the hills, the hatch, the graves, the ocean—
Sawyer clutched his chest as he woke up from his dream. He was inside the dark padded room. Back to reality. To his life. This life. He wiped the sweat from his head. Something fell from in between his fingers.
He leaned forward and squinted at the object. He picked up the key that had fallen to the ground.
**
“I gotta admit, Jack, I learned my lesson.” Sawyer swaggered back to his hospital room beside the doctor and an orderly. “I will never break anymore of your precious rules.”
“I hope so.” Jack read over a clipboard as Sawyer sat down at the edge of the bed. “I set up another appointment for you to see Dr. Maxwell this afternoon.”
“Well, lucky me.”
“After that, we’re going to group therapy,” Jack said.
Sawyer’s mouth dropped. “Group what?”
“You’ll like it, trust me.”
Sawyer rolled his eyes. “Trust you. Yeah, right.”
“I’ll be back in half an hour.” Jack left with the orderly.
Sawyer laid back in his bed and removed the key from the inside of his shoe. He studied it, asking himself if this key held the same meaning as the one from the island. Hopefully the door wouldn’t be as difficult as the door in the floor.
He flipped the key and that was when he saw the numbers imprinted on the metal. He sat up immediately when he read the three digits: 118.
He was holding the key to Kate’s room.
**
Sawyer listened to the clock tick, then tock in Libby’s office. He let out a long sigh and slouched in his chair. Libby was still waiting for an answer from him.
“Why did you steal the nurse’s keys, James?” she asked again.
“I was looking for the kitchen,” he said. “I had a feeling the fridge was loaded with booze. I mean, hell, look at where you work. You probably need a drink or two every now and then to make the day go by faster.”
Libby tapped her pen on her desk. “So, going into Kate’s room was an accident?”
Sawyer shrugged. “I needed a drinking buddy.”
The psychologist slammed her pen down. “Dammit, James, why do you have to behave like this?”
“Like what?”
She looked into his eyes, unafraid. “Like Sawyer.”
He licked his lips. “You’ve seemed to have forgotten, Dr. Maxwell. I am Sawyer.”
“Not here you’re not.”
He threw up his hands. “You know what? It’s getting kind of hard remembering where I’m at. One day I’m on the fucking island, the next I’m in this goddamn hospital. So, pardon me, if I’m having an identity crisis.”
“I don’t believe that,” Libby said, still in her unwavering tone. “I think you know exactly who you are.”
Sawyer crossed his arms in front of his chest. “Oh, really?”
“The one thing I don’t understand is Kate.”
Hearing her name made Sawyer sit up.
Libby continued. “Where does she fit in all of this? I know being the last two people from the plane crash left on the island may have changed your relationship with her, but you’re not on the island anymore. Why does she still matter to you?”
Sawyer moved his gaze to the books on Libby’s desk, focused on the clock as another minute passed, anything to avoid having to answer her question.
“It’s pretty obvious Kate doesn’t feel the same about you—”
Sawyer jumped forward, pointing a finger at Libby. “Don’t.”
Again, Libby remained passive. “She doesn’t talk to you, nor does she show any signs that she even remembers you.”
But, Sawyer knew. Libby hadn’t been there that night when Kate touched him in her room. The way she lifted his chin and looked into his eyes. She remembered him. She remembered everything.
“We hope to make more progress with her,” Libby said. “Kate’s strong. I know she’ll be able to recuperate soon.”
“Don’t try to fix us.” Sawyer leaned back in his chair. “It’s just a waste of time.”
Libby smiled to herself. “Well, it looks like we wasted enough time here today then. Are you ready for your group therapy session?”
**
When Sawyer was in high school, he had to attend an anger management class after he got into one too many fights in the school yard. He had walked into that room in the basement of his school with a nonchalant attitude and his hands in fists. It was the same today as he entered the group therapy room. The only difference was that he didn’t have a cigarette dangling from the corner of his mouth.
It looked like he was the first one there. He sat down in one of the metal folded chairs in the middle of the room. There were six of them shaped in a circle. He could hear how the session was going to go: “Hi, I’m Sawyer, but that’s not my real name. Anyway, I thought I was in a plane crash that landed on an island, but the truth is I got so shitfaced, I slammed my car into a tree. I ended up in a coma and during that time, I was running from polar bears, monsters, and crazy mountain people. And let me just say, I can’t wait for the book to come out.”
He chuckled at the thought.
“What’s so funny?”
Sawyer’s humorous behavior evaporated at the sound of the voice. He looked to his left and saw John Locke. The older man sat in a wheelchair.
“You—” But, Sawyer didn’t know what to bring up first—the fact that Locke was alive or the fact that Locke was in a wheelchair.
“Yup, it’s me.” Locke wheeled his chair beside Sawyer. “How are you, James?”
Sawyer blinked a few times to make sure he was really looking at Locke. “I’m a little stunned right now.”
“I’ve never had that reaction before,” Locke said. “I’ve heard you’ve been causing some mayhem around here.”
“I guess I’m the most predictable person out of our group,” Sawyer said.
Locke smiled. “You still have a long way.”
“So, are you here to talk out your feelings too?” Sawyer asked.
“It’s my last session. I get discharged tomorrow.”
“Just like that?”
“Well, it wasn’t at the snap of my fingers, but it took some getting used to, yes.” He glanced at his legs. “Especially since I woke up to this again.”
“Was it from—”
“No, not from the experiment and it was before I had my overdose.” Locke paused. “Too many painkillers.”
Sawyer didn’t have to wonder if it was accidental or not.
“Can I ask you something, James?” Locke asked. “Were you able to find the eye of the island?”
“You mean that cloud of black smoke?”
Locke folded his hands across his lap. “You know it was much more than that.”
Sawyer could still recall the images he saw in the smoke. All of his memories seemed to have been put on show for all to see.
“Is it still the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen?” Sawyer said.
Locke gave him a nod his head. “Once you understand it, you’ll agree with me too.”
Sawyer cleared his throat. “Hey, back at the hatch, when I had that gun to your head…”
“Don’t worry about it,” Locke said. “It’s all in the past.”
“You mean, you ain’t got some grudge between me and Jack?”
“If it means anything to you, I would have done the same thing if I was in your place.” Locke looked over at the door. When he saw they were still alone, he leaned towards Sawyer. “How are your dreams?”
Sawyer’s eyes narrowed in confusion. “What about them?”
“Never stop asking questions, James. Like how do you know you’re still not dreaming? Or if this is the real world or not. You gotta think about these things and never stop thinking about them, you hear me?”
Sawyer didn’t know what to do, but nod.
Just then, a nurse walked into the room. “Good news, John. You’re going home early.”
“How early?” Locke said.
“Right now.” The nurse put her hands on the wheelchair’s handlebars. “No more hospital food for you, honey.”
Locke smiled at Sawyer. “The menu doesn’t get better.” Then, he became serious again. “Remember to think.”
Sawyer watched the nurse push Locke out of the room. It felt like a part of him left with the mysterious John Locke.
When that door closed, another one opened on the other side of the room. Seeing Locke had stunned him, but seeing the new flock of people made Sawyer wonder if he was hallucinating. As the group filtered in and took their seats, Sawyer looked at the complete circle. Around him sat Charlie, Claire, Hurley, and Ana-Lucia. The five of them were quiet until Jack walked in. He appeared to be the facilitator of the group. He took a seat next to Ana and turned to Sawyer.
“I’d like to welcome James Ford to our group today,” he said.
Hurley gave Sawyer a small wave. “Hey, dude.”
Twenty-two
The nurses brought in cookies and punch after the group therapy session was over. All Sawyer cared about was getting the hell out of the room. He went up to the table and pretended to be interested in the chocolate chips in the cookies.
“So, hey.” Hurley appeared next to him. “What’s up?”
Sawyer looked at him with a mixture of nonchalance and disbelief. “I’ve been stuck on a fake island.”
Hurley’s eyes lit up. “Me too.” He picked up a cookie, then glanced at his stomach. “Maybe not. I gotta look good for the ladies. Or should I say lady.”
Sawyer tilted his head. “Libby?”
“She’s been playing hard to get,” Hurley said with a shrug.
“I know how that is.”
“You mean Kate?”
Sawyer went back to the cookies.
“I think it was pretty cool you went back in for her,” Hurley said. “No one who got out even thought about going back in when they woke up.”
“Nice to know that you guys cared.”
“I mean, everyone who got out was pretty much too chicken to go back in especially after what happened to Claire and Walt.”
Sawyer looked over at Claire and Charlie. “Well, if you have something worth going back for, then you do it. No questions asked.” He turned his attention back to Hurley. “Jack told me you were a loner too. You didn’t have a trigger.”
“Well, yeah,” Hurley said. “I kind of was in like a freak accident.”
“What do you mean?”
“You know that swimming rule? How you can’t go swimming for like an hour after you eat? Well, I kind of didn’t listen to it.”
“You saying you got a cramp?”
“Yeah, then I banged my head against the swimming pool wall.”
Sawyer handed him a cookie. “I say fuck the ladies. You need this, hombre.” He patted Hurley on the back and walked up to the chairs towards Claire and Charlie. “Can I sit down?”
“Sure,” Claire said.
Sawyer’s eyes darted back and forth between the mother and musician. He wanted to ask them so many questions. One of them being why he and Kate hadn’t ended up like them. The two strangers who had met on the island and left with their fairy tale.
“How’s the little one?” Sawyer asked Claire.
“Aaron? He’s doing great. Really healthy and active,” she said.
“What do you want, Sawyer?” Charlie wrapped a possessive arm around Claire’s shoulders.
“Just wanted to play some catch up, Ringo.” He nodded at Jack and Ana, who were standing together on the other side of the room. “What’s going on over there?”
“They’re playing catch up, too,” Charlie said.
So, Jack and Ana had some unfinished business from the island. Sawyer made a note to ask the doctor about it later.
“Hey, Charlie, can you go get me something to drink?” Claire asked.
Charlie reluctantly removed his arm from her. He looked at Sawyer with warning before heading to the snack table.
“You probably want to talk about it,” Claire said.
“About what?”
“You know, returning to the island.”
Sawyer held out his hands. “That’s what this therapy thing is for, right?”
“It only works if you talk, Sawyer,” she said.
Claire was right. He had sat through almost two hours of Jack going on and on about talking out their feelings. For Sawyer, he had never been able to put his feelings into words, so, why should he start now?
“If you want to talk about it, I’ll be in the rec room tonight at nine,” Claire said. “Just tell your nurse that’s when you want your free time.”
Sawyer sat back as Charlie returned with two cups of punch. “None for me?”
“Sawyer,” Jack called out.
He looked up to see Val waiting for him at the door. He passed Jack and Ana and gave them an all-knowing smile.
“How did it go?” Val asked him once they were in the hallway.
“It could have been worse,” he said. “Say, Val, you wouldn’t mind if I changed my free time in the rec room to nine, would you?”
**
The rec room had one ping-pong table, a TV with three working channels, a bookcase filled with tattered paperbacks, an assortment of mismatched couches, and board games that dated back to the early days of disco.
But, it also had answers. And it came in the form of a 5’2 blonde.
Sawyer found Claire on one of the couches. Her bare feet were tucked under her legs as she wrote in her journal.
“So, you came,” she said.
“I came.”
She shut her journal and put the cap back on her pen. “Do you believe in karma, Sawyer?”
“What comes around goes around,” he said.
“Well, something’s coming back around,” she said.
“You ain’t making any sense, Mamacita.”
She gave him an almost-smile. “Why do you do that?”
“Do what?”
“Call people names.”
“I don’t call people names.” He smiled. “I give them terms of endearment. It’s from my heart, darling.”
“You aren’t so bad, Sawyer. If only the people on the island could see you now”
Sawyer lost his smile. He was doing it again. Letting his guard down. The last thing he needed was another fan.
“Just tell me what I came here for and I’ll be on my way, Claire,” he said.
She frowned at his sudden change of behavior, but answered him anyway. “Did they tell you about me? About why I was sent back in?”
“Yeah, you went back in for your rock star boyfriend.”
“I did it for Charlie, but that was only part of it. They wanted me to try and lure one of the Others back too.”
Sawyer narrowed his eyes. “Now, why would they want to do that?”
Claire shrugged. “Maybe they wanted to study them.”
“Like how they’re studying us.” Sawyer’s jaw clenched. “They’re starting to forget that we ain’t a bunch of animals in cages.”
“They’re trying to help us,” Claire said.
“Oh, really?” He shook his head. “I got a bad feeling about this place, honey. You should have one too.”
“I’ve heard them talking about you,” she said. “They say you’re the one to watch.”
Again he was the dangerous type. Sawyer let out a ragged sigh. “I know. I’ve had enough run-ins with the male nurses.”
“They’re watching you because they’re thinking about sending you back into the program, back to the island.”
Claire’s words caused a chill to go down Sawyer’s back. If what she was saying was true, then maybe he was an animal in a cage after all.
“Why would they do that?” he asked.
“My guess is that they still want one of the Others,” she said. “And you’re the only one who’s gone back and come back successfully. You’re their best bet.”
The chill spread to Sawyer’s toes. This was getting more fucked up by the minute.
“Would you go back?” Claire said.
Sawyer looked into her blue eyes. “What do you think?”
“Just be careful.” She put a hand over his. He let her. “They know why you went back in the first time. They might find that reason again.”
**
“They’re watching you
because they’re thinking about sending you back into the program, back to the
island.”
Every since Claire had put that thought into Sawyer’s head, he had been unable to think about anything else. It all went back to Kate. If they used her to get him to go back to the island—hell, he didn’t even want to think about that.
After the last round of check-ins, Sawyer counted—1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi, 3 Mississippi, 4 Mississippi, 5 Mississippi—and crept out his room. In his hand, he held the key to Kate’s room.
He didn’t care how he did it, but he and Kate were going to get the hell out of the place tonight.
As he entered another stretch of hallway, he heard the elevator doors open. He ducked behind a wall.
“—and she’s like, ‘But, Danny, won’t it hurt if you put in it there?’ And I tell Lisa it’s only gonna hurt a little bit. She’s still scared so I say, ‘Hey, I work in a hospital. Trust me.”
Sawyer looked around the corner and saw two young guys in blue scrubs push out of the elevator a hospital bed.
“Oh, man, you are good.” Danny’s friend high-fived him. “I gotta remember to use that line sometime.”
Danny shrugged. “Hey, it always works.” He checked his watch. “Wanna go on break?”
His friend gestured to the person in the bed. “What about her?”
“It’s two in the morning,” Danny said. “No one’s gonna come by and snatch her.”
“Right.” The friend looked down at the figure. “That whole island thing creeps me out. Did you hear what Dr. Shephard said earlier today?”
“No. What?”
“They’re thinking about sending that guy back in,” he said. “You know, the redneck one.”
Danny pointed to the bed. “I thought they were going to send her back in.”
“Maybe they’re going to send them both in.”
Danny rubbed his head. “I really need that cigarette.”
Sawyer watched the two men disappear down the other end of the hallway. He walked out of his hiding spot.
“Redneck, my ass,” he muttered.
He was still alone in the area as he approached the hospital bed. With each step, he hoped he wasn’t going to find Kate. But the closer he got, the more he realized he was wrong. It still didn’t get rid of the knot in his stomach.
He knew the person in the bed, but it wasn’t Kate the hospital was going to send back to the island with him.
It was Alex.
Twenty-three
“You’re awake.”
Sawyer looked up at Jack as the doctor entered the room. “Had a lot on my mind, doc.”
Jack gave him an uninterested nod of his head and started writing something on his clipboard. “How have you been sleeping?”
The truth was Sawyer hadn’t been getting any sleep lately. Not since his dreams about the island returned. Not since he ran into Alex in the hallway. Not since Claire gave him the warning about him going back to the island. He felt a little paranoid at the moment.
But, he looked up at Jack with a smile and said, “Just fine.”
“Good.” Jack finished writing on his board. “I’ve set an appointment for you with Dr. Maxwell this afternoon.”
“For what?”
“It seems like group therapy might not work for you,” he said. “Looks like the only person you can talk to is Libby.”
Sawyer laid his head back against his pillow. “Well, I’ll be damned. The shrink knows her stuff then, huh?”
His door suddenly opened. “Is my patient ready for me?” Val walked in with Sawyer’s breakfast.
“I’m always ready for you,” Sawyer said to her.
Jack stepped back towards the door. “I’ll be back later.” He left the nurse to attend to Sawyer.
Sawyer glanced at his meal with a grimace. “I didn’t know they served road kill here.”
“It’s an omelet, James.” She used the plastic knife to cut into it. “You better eat up.”
Sawyer took a fork from her and swallowed the yellow goo. He made a face and reached for the paper cup filled with orange juice.
“Val, can you be honest with me?” he asked after drinking the entire cup.
“You’re right, James. That is road kill you’re eating.”
“It’s not that.” Sawyer pushed the plate aside anyway. “What’s going on here?”
“What are you talking about?”
“You know. This place. Who do you work for? What do they do?”
“We’re a hospital. We work to make people like you better.”
“Don’t tell me what’s on the damn brochure. I want the truth.”
Val crossed her arms in front of her. “I don’t appreciate being talked to like that, James.”
“Well, I’m sorry, but I don’t appreciate being lied to either.”
Val’s arms fell back to her side. She looked over at the shut door, then back at Sawyer. “You know, you really are special. You all are.” She put her hand on his arm. “How about we go for a walk in the garden?”
“Don’t change the subject.”
She turned away from him. “We have to hurry. She’s waiting for you.”
Sawyer sat up. “Who?”
Val turned her head to look at him. “Kate.”
**
Val wasn’t lying about this. Kate was really waiting for him. She sat alone on the bench that faced the pond. Val let him approach her as she watched from a distance with Kate’s nurse.
They sat side by side for what seemed like forever without saying a word. Sawyer relished the moment. Because for once, since they had returned from the island, she was accepting him.
He felt something touch his hand as it rested next to his legs on the bench. He looked down to find Kate’s hand timidly making its way towards his. Five fingers later, her hand was on top of his.
**
“It’s amazing,” Val said as she and Sawyer entered the hospital from the garden. “It seems like Kate is responding to you.”
Sawyer still suspected that Kate was deceiving everyone with her mute act, but it still felt nice to feel her hand on his. They had sat in silence for a few more minutes before the nurses came down to the bench to get them. Even then, Kate seemed reluctant on letting go of him.
“Stay right there, James. Let me do some paperwork real quick before I send you back to your room.” Val left Sawyer and went to a nurse’s station.
He leaned back against a wall and watched the handful of patients in the hallway. One of them caught his eye. Ana-Lucia. She was dressed in street clothes: a black sweater and a pair of jeans. It wasn’t the fact that she was out and about in the hospital that caught Sawyer’s attention; it was the fact that she was alone. Where was her nurse? He watched the dark-haired woman go down a hallway. Sawyer checked on Val, who was still busy with her work, and went after Ana.
He followed her from a short distance, making sure she knew she wasn’t being pursued. As he turned another corner, he heard a voice greet her. He stayed behind and listened from the other side of a wall.
“No one saw you?” a man asked.
“I’m okay.” Ana’s voice.
Sawyer looked around the wall and saw Ana follow someone into an empty hallway. He quickly went after her again to find out what kind of meeting this was. He stopped behind another wall and looked out to the Ana and her associate. His eyes widened at the sight.
Ana was pressed against a door. Her arms were wrapped around the man’s neck as they shared an intimate kiss. They pulled away and she sighed his name.
“Jack…”
Sawyer watched as Jack reached behind Ana and turned the door knob. They fell back into the room still locked in an embrace. The door closed right after them.
When Sawyer returned to Val, she was just walking out from behind the desk.
“Where’d you go?” she asked.
“Nature called,” he said.
Val looped through her arm through his. “Well, next time, tell me. You can’t go anywhere around her without your nurse.”
Tell that to Jack and Ana, he thought.
**
Sawyer didn’t mind that it was Jack coming in to check-in on him that night rather than Val. He had a few questions he wanted to ask the friendly doctor.
“Tell me, doc,” Sawyer said. “What does the hospital say about doctor-patient relationships?”
“What do you mean?”
“Let’s say there’s a doctor who really likes a patient. The patient really likes the doctor too. But, you see, they have a problem. They can’t be together because he’s supposed to be taking care of her, not taking advantage of her.” Sawyer stretched out his body on his bed and folded his hands behind his head. “Do you see what I’m saying?”
Jack seemed to lose all color in his face. Sawyer liked seeing the doctor squirm.
“What would the hospital think, Jack, if they knew their best doctor was screwing one of his patients? Right here in the workplace? That don’t seem real professional, do it?”
In an instant, Jack pounced on Sawyer. The doctor grabbed Sawyer by his neck and glared at him.
“Watch it, doc.” Sawyer’s hands went around Jack’s. “You don’t want to piss me off.”
Jack kept his hands around Sawyer’s neck for a moment before he let go and stepped back. He ran a hand over his head and took in a deep breath.
“I’ll make it easy on you,” Sawyer said. “You make me a deal and I don’t let anyone know about you and Ana.”
Jack’s chest rose and fell as he tried to contain his anger. He looked over at Sawyer. “What do you want?”
“I want to see Kate, but this time, without any doctors or nurses.”
Jack shook his head. “I can’t do that.”
Sawyer jumped to his feet. “You make it happen or—”
“Or what, Sawyer?” Jack’s eyes flashed. “You gonna steal all the guns again? Take away all our meds? Have us at your mercy? We’re not on the island anymore.”
“We aren’t? Then, how come you and Ana are sneaking off into back rooms? How come Charlie and Claire are still playing house? How come Libby don’t want to talk about nothing but what happened on the island? We can’t shut it off, doc. No matter how hard we try, we’re still there, and you know it.”
Sawyer let his words sink in for Jack. The other man paced the room before looking up at Sawyer.
“Alright, you can see her,” he said.
Sawyer gave him a victorious grin. “I knew you’d see things my way.”
**
It was the middle of the night when Sawyer was able to see Kate. He was taken down to the rec room as the rest of the hospital slept.
The orderly tossed him into the room. Sawyer gave him a dirty look as the door was closed behind him. He looked around, but Kate wasn’t there yet. The longer he waited, the more his nerves started to get the best of him. Christ, he felt like a teenager waiting for his prom date to show up.
Just then, the door opened again. He looked up to see Kate walk in. She was dressed in a simple white blouse and jeans. Her wavy dark hair fell over her face. She turned around, startled, when the door locked behind her.
“Kate.” Sawyer took small careful steps to her.
She clasped her hands together in front of her and kept her gaze to the floor.
He held out his hand, but pulled back when she stepped away from him.
“Hey, I arranged this date for us. The least you can do is look at me.” He lowered his voice until it became husky. “Come on. Look at me.”
Kate raised her head. Her eyes met his, and he knew that connection was still there. Whatever had happened on the island was still very much alive for the both of them.
He held out his hand again. This time, she placed her hand in it.
He led to the middle of the room, where it was clear. On the table was a record player.
“I checked,” he said. “They didn’t have Patsy, but it’s better than nothing.”
He put the needle on the record and as it started to spin, he brought Kate closer to him. The song began and so did their dance.
“Oh my love, My darling, I hunger for, oh, your touch, A long lonely time…”
Sawyer let his hands wander through her hair. He found the spot where he had fallen asleep many times on the island. His fingers traced the nape of her neck, the same spot he had kissed her their mornings inside the hatch. His hands lowered to her shoulders, then her arms, under the curves of her breasts, before finally stopping on her waist.
“Lonely rivers sigh, wait for me, wait for me, I'll be coming home, wait for me…”
Kate’s hands made their own journey. They went through his hair, then to his chin, not as rough from the island, but still prickly to the touch. She felt his pulse in his neck before going over his chest to check his heartbeat. Then, she returned to his back and pulled his body to hers.
“…and time goes by so slowly, and time can do so much, Are you still mine…”
She looked up at him. Sawyer stopped moving. So did Kate. In her eyes, he saw confusion, pain, hope, faith, and trust. It was all there. For him.
She placed her mouth on the corner of his mouth. A small kiss that meant everything to the both of them.
“I need your love, I, oh baby, I need your love, Godspeed your love to me…”
The music swelled and so did their emotions. Sawyer clutched Kate to him, moving his mouth over hers, deepening the kiss. When he looked back into her eyes, he saw something else. He was too afraid to admit it.
In the quietness of the room, Kate kissed his cheek.
“Thanks for keeping my secret,” she whispered in his ear.
Twenty-four
Sawyer stumbled back. Kate’s whisper still lingered near his ear. “You can talk.”
“I—I thought you knew,” she said.
He blinked. “I knew it was all a trick, but—” He blinked again, unsure on how to continue.
“Sawyer.” She moved to him, but in an interesting turnaround, Sawyer was the one to recoil. “I’m sorry.”
“You used me,” he said.
“Well, now, you know how it feels like,” she said. “Doesn’t feel that great, does it?”
He stared at her. “The whole time—the whole time you were just playing everyone. You saw what they did to me that night they caught me in your room, and you did nothing. You acted like you didn’t know me. You turned me away. God, Kate, you made me believe you might have forgotten about me, about us.”
She lowered her head. “I’m sorry.”
Her apology still sounded insincere to Sawyer. He shuffled to the record player and removed the needle. He licked his lips, he could still taste the kiss.
“I don’t like it here. This place, this hospital. It makes me nervous.” He looked back at Kate. “They’re going to send me back in, you know. Back to the island.”
“I know,” Kate said.
He narrowed his eyes. “You know? How?”
“They asked me to go back in with you.”
“And what did you say?”
She smiled. “I can’t talk, remember?” When Sawyer didn’t return her smile, she said, “I didn’t sign any papers if that’s what you want to know.”
“Why do you they want you to go back in?” Sawyer asked.
“I guess to be your trigger,” she said. “When they sent Claire back in, they made her pregnant again in case something happened to her. Keeping her baby alive would give her a reason to be there. Having me there with you would be your reason.”
Sawyer stuffed his hands into the back pockets of his pants. “I ain’t going back in, Freckles.”
“If you don’t want to go there or stay here, then where do you want to be?”
He made himself look away from her. Looking at her would only make him admit the truth. That he wanted to be with her. The place and location didn’t matter; as long as she was with him.
Suddenly, the door opened and Jack came in with an orderly.
“I’m not done here,” Sawyer said to them.
“Kate needs to get some sleep,” Jack said.
He nodded at the orderly, who took Kate’s arm and escorted her out of the room. She looked back at Sawyer, then turned her head away.
“Happy?” Jack asked.
Sawyer took the fists out of his pockets. “Not even close.”
**
Sawyer followed the beam of sunlight until it ended on top of Libby’s desk cluttered with papers and folders. He was hardly listening to the psychologist as she spoke about her latest theory on why Sawyer was the way he was.
“Do you ever think about how many lives you’ve affected?” Libby asked him.
He shrugged. “Not really.”
“How many homes you’ve destroyed. How many families you’ve wrecked. How many people you’ve hurt.”
He slouched in his chair. “I never said I was a good man, doctor.”
She frowned. “And no one ever said you were a bad one either.” She tapped a finger on a folder. “This belongs to Kate. She’s been in this room. I know she can’t speak, but she can listen, and I watch her when I talk, James, and she knows what’s going on. Her eyes recognize your name. Her face remembers you. She remembers you. And you know what? She doesn’t cry, doesn’t frown—she comes to life when I talk about you. I don’t think a lot of people can say that about you.”
Sawyer shifted uncomfortably. “What can I say? I was always a ladies man.”
“As many lives you’ve affected negatively, I think there are few you’ve affected positively.” She moved Kate’s folder and picked up another one. “Alex Rousseau. The girl you met on the island. Her mother was Danielle Rousseau.”
The image of Alex in the hospital bed flashed in Sawyer’s mind.
“You wanted to know what happened to them,” Libby said. “Do you still want to know?”
“Yeah.”
“Alex succeeded in bringing back her mother. Unfortunately, Danielle’s heart failed a couple of hours after awaking from her coma. As for Alex herself, she never made it back.”
“You mean she never woke up? She’s still on that island.”
Libby pulled out a chart from Alex’s folder. “I’m showing this to you because I want to see it for yourself.” On the line chart, it showed Alex’s brain activity. She pointed to a part of the graph where the lines were exceedingly high. “These were taken during the time she spent with you and Kate on the island. It indicates responsive activity. A sign that she could wake up from her coma.” Libby turned to another graph. The lines on this chart showed the opposite of the other one. “And these were taken yesterday. She’s reverted back to the activity seen in the other long-term patients.”
“You mean the Others,” Sawyer said.
“Her mother’s gone. You and Kate are gone. Alex has no one there, but the Others.”
“What are you saying? She’s stuck there?”
“Not unless she can become unstuck again,” Libby said.
Sawyer looked down at Alex’s charts. “This is why you want me to go back in.”
“You’re the only one who’s done it, James,” she said. “You woke up and went back in for Kate and you did it. We want you to do the same with Alex.”
“Why her?”
“She’s the closest one to waking up. If she can get her brain activity back to where it was when she was with you, then she has a better chance of coming out of her coma.”
“And what about me?”
“You already know the risks.”
Sawyer put a hand on the side of his face. His skin felt too hot all of a sudden. They were asking him to go on a suicide mission. Save the girl, but could he save himself?
“Kate,” he said, remembering what she had told him in the rec room. “Have you asked her about going back in?”
“We have, but she hasn’t given us an answer, and in her condition, I doubt she would make a good candidate,” Libby said. “We want to help her find her voice again.”
Something connected inside Sawyer’s head.
“What if I said I would think about it? About going back for Alex,” he said. “But you have to do something for me too.”
“You want me to make a deal with a conman?”
“Don’t worry, Libby.” He cocked his head to one side. “It ain’t you I wanna con.”
**
Sawyer tossed and turned in bed as he tried to find sleep. He gave up and stared out his window. Outside, he saw the stars in the black sky, but they looked nothing like the one from the island. He thought about Libby’s proposition. Go back and find Alex. Wake her up. If only it was that simple.
And there were the risks. Not waking up. Losing his memory. Going in and out of consciousness. Even death.
He wondered why those risks bothered him now. Why didn’t it bother him when he was conning people? When he had shot Duckett? When he had drove his car into the tree?
Then, it hit Sawyer. This was what a conscience felt like.
And right now, his conscience was reminding him of the times Alex had helped him on the island. Between all her riddles and wacky talk, she was trying to help him. Now, she needed him.
His eyes became heavy. Sleep was finally finding him. Just as his eyes shut, he heard his door fly open. Before he could react, Sawyer was hauled away on another hospital bed. His arms were strapped down as he glided in the hallway.
“What the hell—”
“Don’t talk,” one of the men pushing the bed ordered.
Sawyer watched the lights in the ceiling zoom by before he was thrust into an operating room. Jack appeared next to him.
“We can’t wait for an answer, Sawyer,” he said. “We have to send you back in tonight.”
Sawyer struggled out of his restraints, but he couldn’t move.
The doors to the room opened again. Libby walked in with Kate. Kate’s face filled with terror at the sight of Sawyer tied down to a bed.
“Kate!” Sawyer tried to sit up. “Kate, don’t let them send me back to the island!”
Jack filled up a syringe needle.
“They can’t do this! They can’t!” Every muscle in Sawyer’s body bulged as he tried to free himself. “Kate!”
Jack reached for Sawyer’s arm, ready to pierce it with the needle.
“Stop!”
All heads turned to Kate.
She shook as she raced to Jack, taking the needle out of his hand. “What the hell do you think you’re doing, Jack?”
“Proving me right, Freckles,” Sawyer said with smug smile.
Kate stared at him in disbelief. “You set me up.”
“You use me. I use you.” The orderly removed Sawyer from the restraints. Sawyer rubbed his wrists and looked at Jack and Libby. “See? I ain’t the only one you’ve got to worry about around here.”
Twenty-five
The four of them sat in a circle in the room where they usually had their group therapy session. On Sawyer’s left was Libby, on his right Jack. Kate sat in front of him. Since he had been responsible for blowing her cover as a mute, she had been avoiding him, and ironically, not speaking to him.
“Well, now that we know the truth, I guess we move forward on this.” Jack looked at Sawyer and Kate. “You’re our only two candidates on this assignment. We want to send you back to the island to retrieve Alex.” When neither of them spoke, he continued. “You’re stronger together than apart. And you know that.”
Sawyer met Kate’s gaze. He crossed his arms with a haughty sigh. “As much as I hated the island, I don’t think Alex would like coming back to be turned into a lab rat. I sure as hell didn’t expect that.”
“You’re all here as volunteers,” Jack said.
Sawyer let out a dry laugh. “Oh, really? Does that mean we can go whenever we want to?”
“If you’re ready,” Libby said.
Sawyer stood. “Well, I guess I’m volunteering to leave.” He bowed to Jack. “Adios.” Then to Libby. “Sayonara.” Then glanced at Kate. “Good bye.” He started to the door when Jack’s voice stopped him.
“You won’t get far, Sawyer,” the doctor said.
Sawyer held out his arms. “Who’s going to stop me?” He pushed open the door and two burley security guards stepped in. He looked back at Jack. “This all you got? Two rent-a-cops?”
The guards grabbed him by his arms and pushed him back to the group. He stood near Jack and Libby. “Guess that means I ain’t ready.”
“Do this for Alex,” Libby said to him. “She’s done so much for her mother. The least we can do is help revive her.”
“So, you can tell her her mother is dead?” Kate said.
Sawyer felt a tug in his heart. He knew she was talking about her own mother. The mother she had tried to save, but instead both of their lives had been destroyed. It was something Kate had in common with Alex.
“So, we can give her a second chance at life,” Libby said. “Look at you, Kate. You’re healthy and alive. Don’t you want the same thing for Alex?”
Kate’s gaze darted to the security guards behind Sawyer. He caught her movement, already knowing what her next step was going to be. In a flash, she jumped out of her seat and grabbed one of the guard’s guns from his holster. She pressed the barrel to the man’s head.
“Give me your gun,” she said to the other guard.
“Don’t do this, Kate,” Jack said as he got on his feet.
Once Kate was in possession of both guns, she pointed the other one at Jack and Libby. “Being healthy and alive isn’t the same thing as being free. And I can never have that. Not in here.”
She dragged her hostage to the door. The gun still against the guard’s head. She shoved the man aside and fired a shot into the room. Everyone ducked and she took off.
Sawyer chased her. She raced down the hallway with the two guns in both of her hands. A nurse screamed. Others scrambled behind desks and into rooms.
“Stop right there!” A male orderly got in their path. Sawyer moved in front of Kate and punched the man. They jumped over his fallen body and proceeded to the exit. They ran down a flight of stairs until another door opened on the bottom level and a crowd of guards appeared. Sawyer and Kate turned back around and opened the door to the level they were on.
They looked down the hallway they had stepped into. Sawyer spotted a propped steel door with no window. “In here!” He and Kate ran into the room and shut the door behind them.
Breathlessly, Sawyer switched on the light. It looked like they were in some kind of supply room. He turned his head to Kate. She didn’t seem fazed by any of this.
“What are you doing, Sawyer?” she asked.
He widened his eyes. “What am I doing? What are you doing?”
Kate set the guns on a shelf and rubbed her hands together. She touched the door. “Do you think it’s okay now?”
Sawyer walked up beside her and turned the knob. It didn’t move. He tried again and got the same response. “Fuck.” He kicked the door. “Great. Just great.”
Kate tried turning the knob too, but even she couldn’t get it to move. “We’re locked in.”
“Really?” Sawyer blew out some air. “This is all your fault.”
“My fault? You’re the one who threw me in here!”
“You’re the one who thought she was Supergirl, but guess what? You can’t just fly right out of here!”
“Then, why did you come after me?”
Sawyer took in a deep breath to calm himself down. “I didn’t come after you. Figured it was my way out too.” Hell, he was lying through his teeth and they both knew it. He looked down at his left hand. His knuckles were red and sore from punching the orderly’s face.
“Let me see that.” K